Wedding, Marriage and Cooking for your husband: What’s love got to do with it?

Assalamualaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatu. I chose this topic as I know a number of people that are either getting married, just got married or are looking to get married soon. If you ignore the cheesy title, it is actually a serious topic. I know it has been debated plenty of times but still this does not stop people from raising eyebrows and mumbling when the topic about the woman cooking is brought up. Oh I’m not saying that I have the answer, far from it. I will just give you a few things to ponder upon. 

Wedding and Marriage - Wedding is the thing so many prepare for and also spend an awful amount of money on. People spend ages planning to have the perfect wedding; in fact some people have made a career out of planning weddings for others. Ask any girl aged 15 and above and she’ll probably give you a detailed description of what her wedding day will be like. And it is only for one day (technically 30minutes if you take out all the shenanigans) but can actually last for up to a week in some cultures. Some will get into debt that will need repayment over the next few years of their marriage for this day. But regardless of how long, how big or how beautiful the wedding is, it is what comes after which is the real deal although Walt Disney will have us believe that they all lived happily ever after. I know it is a beautiful beginning to special days ahead, I have nothing against it and I love going for weddings but I just wished people will put as much effort into their marriage as they did for their wedding. Do you know that everything begins long before you’re married? Do you really know this person you’re entering into a possibly lifelong contract with? And I’m not talking about the thing people call dating/ courtship here because I don’t care how long you’ve known him/her, how many “dates” you’ve been on, and how many doors he rushes to open for you, you really don’t know a person until you live with them. And this real person may not come out for a few months or even years. So before you order that cake, print those invitations and choose the perfect dress, make sure you have asked all the right questions. Does he or she have any of these characters that you want to run away from? Ask friends and family that they have grown up with. Is he/she

Al ghadoob- Someone who is extremely or frequently angry

Al katoob- Always negative

Al afoot- Always comparing with other people

Al hannanah– Keeps reminding you of the past 

Al manaanah- If it wasn’t for...

Al annanah– Complains of everything

Some things can be changed and others can’t. So think carefully before embarking on this. I have heard a lot of "he’ll change once we get married" and all I can think of is what if he doesn't. Are you prepared to live with this behaviour for life? I know women are supposed to be powerful and they have tricks up their sleeves but never bank on that he’ll change statement! It took a while for the habit to be established and it will not go away overnight. If there’s something that you really feel like you want them to stop doing (for example, smoking) give them a reasonable chance to break the habit and help them if you can.

Another question to ask is, are you really compatible? These are things you need to consider when you’re thinking compatibility: spiritually, morally, environmentally, intellectually, psychologically, physically and financially (so resentment won’t come). Remember, marriage is not a word; it is a sentence - a life sentence. 

So now you’ve done all the right things including praying for guidance and you definitely know you’re meant for each other and you have both survived the wedding thanks to all the aunts that managed to change your perfect plan with their you can’t do it this way. The honeymoon period is over after about a month or even a year – well you can make it last for as long as you want but guess what, you have issues. If you ever heard of a couple that tell you they don’t have issues, then they are not for real- as in they don’t exist. The simple fact is everyone has issues but these do not have to become problems as a concern is when you have an issue, it is only when you can’t solve it that it becomes a problem! Here are some steps to help disperse the issues but before then please keep these issues between you, there’s really no need for a third person to know about this, well at least not until they start to become problems and even then share only with one who would provide you with the solution and who better than Allah.

Think- what has caused the friction

Decide- on what needs to happen, how you will go about it and how you will explain this to your other half

Keep it short and simple (start with the positive)

Listen

Agree on an ending

Now that I’ve turned this seemingly innocent topic into something serious, I can go back to cooking for your husband. But before this I need to discuss the rights/duties of the husband and wife, islamically.

A husband’s duties towards his wife: Financial duties (dowry, spending allowance and accommodation) and non financial duties (fair division, good treatment and avoid causing harm) and she has these rights even if she is rich! No opinion does it say my wife works so she can take care of herself, you still have to spend your money on her! Did you know that you get reward for spending on your family? Don’t you just love the beauty of Islam? 

Remember also that the wife has duties towards her husband which may be greater than his towards her as the Quran states “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards to living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards to obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.” (Q2:228)

Give your duties and you will receive your rights.

Traditionally, a man is known to be the bread winner in the family so he has to be the tough one; a woman, however, has different roles as a nurturer and a teacher making her the emotional one.

So, should you cook for your husband? Do you cook for your husband? The simple answer to the first question is yes. Well, if you can then why not. It also depends on your culture, your upbringing and your husband. Please find out from his sister or his mother whether or not he likes his food (ask him if you must), then at least you’ll know whether to invest in that cooking crash course a month before your wedding. But if for instance a guy marries a princess, I know we all are but  a real one who does not know where the kitchen of her house is (that’s probably exaggerating a bit), please Akhi don’t expect her to start making Biryani the next day- it’s not going to happen, not unless she really wants to. I think cooking for your husband is about showing him love, showing that you care enough to bother to want to cook for him. Now please husbands, you also need to show appreciation and give compliments. Just because she loves to cook and wants to cook or has to cook does not mean you should take it for granted. A little bit of thank you goes a very long way. Let her have some time off, eat out or even let her put her feet up and you do the cooking. Remember, even the prophet (SAW) used to help at home!

That said, nowadays the roles of men and women are not so defined and are blurred. Remember I said roles not duties. Now you have men that wants to cook and can cook (yes sisters, they do exist) and if your husband is a celebrity chef, then you might want to think twice about that no men in my kitchen rule! But again consider this, just because he cooks for a living does not mean he wants to do the same when he gets home.

From a letter Umamah bint Al-Harith gave to her daughter Um Iyas Bint A’wf Ashebani on the eve of her wedding (it is very long and I refuse to type it all), I quote a part of it saying “be aware of the time that he sleeps and eats. Indeed hunger is painful and sleeplessness is a cause of anger”. How true is this and perhaps even vice versa.

Now does she have to cook? It depends as one of her duties is serving her husband but this varies. According to Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah “She is obliged to serve her husband according to what is reasonable among people of similar standing. That varies according to circumstances: the way in which a Bedouin woman serves (her husband) will not be like the way of a town dweller, and the way of strong woman will not be like the way of a weak woman.”(Al-Fataawa al-Kubraa, 4/561)

So depending on where you come from, there are some things that you ‘should’ learn how to cook before getting married and whether is begging your mum or going for the weekend at aunty’s place, you should know how to make these things. It’s easier I think if your husband is from a totally different background from you as he won’t be expecting much (the beauty of diverse marriages) but will surely be impressed if you suddenly make his favourite from “back home”. I asked a few people what they feel in their opinion was one food you need to learn how to cook before marriage and these are the answers I got.

Indian – Apparently you need to know how to make “Biryani” and I’m sure it does not matter if it is lamb, chicken or beef; just as long as it is Biryani.

Pakistani - Chapatti, chapatti and more chapatti. Yes, go learn how to make the perfect chapatti; it’s harder than they make it seem though.

Malay – “Eggs”. I was like seriously right, but apparently there are some people that do not know how to make eggs, so please, learn to make eggs. Although rice is the real thing here.

Bengali – “Curry at least meat and fish bare minimum”. Of course it goes with rice. I honestly believe that the rice did not come first as you're just automatically expected to know how to cook it.

Somali – “Somali samosa before marriage along with 1000 other dishes” Good luck with learning the 1000 others, I can't even make the normal samosa.

Algerian – “Couscous”. Just simple couscous,some do have it easy but I bet you need to know how to make the lamb it has to be served with, then it gets complicated.

Jamaican – “rice and peas and chicken for Sunday Dinner”. That sounds straightforward enough but I don’t understand why it has to be on Sunday which probably means for the rest of the week, serve toast on beans and he won’t mind.

Burundi (with a lot of Asian influence) – “Pilau rice and chicken/meat dish and beans and chapatti”

Afghan - “Rice”. According to an Afghan man; see how easy they make things sound, just rice. I didn’t bother asking the type of rice as he probably won’t know.

Iranian- “Kabab koobideh is a classic dish all Iranian enjoy eating, as long as you don’t forget the rice too”

Then for Nigeria, I needed to break it down into at least the main tribes (well some of them) and I got these replies

Nigeria (Igbo) - "Uha soup". Never heard of it, I think it’s also spelled Oha/Ora as when I googled Uha, it gave me a Russian fish soup. Oh, how I’d love to make that Russian soup!

Nigeria (Hausa) – “tuwo (masara, semo, shinkafa) perfectly without lumps”.  They’re basically doughy foods. Such hard work but you could probably microwave it, not so sure about the without lumps though!

Nigeria (Yoruba) – “Stew” and that will also have to go with rice and is really what most will call soup. That’s fine for a few days until he asks, "don’t we have any other food in this house?"

Nigeria (Kanuri) - “Ngaji a kalkuwa (aka Brabusko da miyan kuka), Snasil and gwalto, Denderu” and then went on to say “a Kanuri bride can’t be said to learn 1 single type of food rather she will be made to learn a meal for every occasion”. Now I know the Somalis actually have it easy with their 1001 dishes. In other words, if you’re about to marry a Kanuri man who loves his food and you can’t cook, one advice, look for another husband.

So from the answer given above, learn how to make rice. There are probably a million and one different ways to learn how to make it but with so many rice cooker on sale as well as microwavable/canned versions of these foods, I’d say no bride needs to worry. Just buy a microwave and a fridge with plenty of freezer space. I dare you – but don’t blame me if he marries another woman. As some say, the road to a man’s heart is through his stomach. A woman’s heart? I'm not sure there are probably many, try being nice!

Allow me to give you a recipe for something very easy to make, Instant egg fried noodles

What you need (Serves 2)

3 packet instant noodles

2 medium sized eggs

A pinch Salt

Mixed vegetables(optional)

1 small onion (finely chopped)

1 green Chilli(chopped)

2 tablespoons oil

Instruction

Cook the noodles according to the instructions on the packet(minus one minute). Reducing the amount of water needed (or drain any water once noodle is cooked) .

Heat the oil in a frying pan or a wok. Add the onions and chilli and fry for 30 seconds in medium heat. If adding mixed vegetables, add this until vegetable is soft. 

Add the eggs and scramble it in the mixture, allow to cook for 2 minutes.

Now add the noodles and mix for another 1 minute. Serve hot with optional soy sauce.

This is an emergency food but it works better than just microwaving instant noodles and takes almost the same amount of time, it’s all about putting in that effort to show the TLC needed in a marriage.

Talking about effort, a friend’s mum baked this and she helped decorate it and I thought I’d share- it is such a beautiful cake and it simplifies everything I’ve written in the post.

Remember, men and women do have different roles in life. It is important to complete one another rather than compete with each other. It is a relationship of compensation and cooperation.

“Amongst his signs that He created from you spouses to dwell within(in tranquillity), made between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for people who reflect”(Quran 30:21) 

So, If Allah (SWT) made the foundation in marriage to be love and compassion, mercy; how can the relationship between you and your wife be anything else?

(Some of the references are from my notes from a Course I attended entitled "Home Sweet Home-a proactive approach to a happy family" provided by AlKauthar institute)